


i bet on losing dogs

by lcmustdie



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Spencer Reid, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Sad Ending, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29180730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lcmustdie/pseuds/lcmustdie
Summary: derek and spencer have reached the end of the line in their relationship. spencer takes it poorly.title and loosely based on "i bet on losing dogs" by mitski
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 6
Kudos: 64





	1. spencer

**Author's Note:**

> tw: mentioned drug abuse, suicide

“Spencer, I can’t do this anymore.”

The younger knew it was coming, months of tension and uncomfortable silence had lead to it. His stomach still turned.

“I know. I know, De- Morgan. I know.”

They were at Spencer’s apartment, books scattered everywhere. Normally, they’d be curled up together on the couch, watching some movie or another. Today, Morgan was standing in the kitchen, with Spencer in the living room, holding himself like Derek was supposed to. 

“If I leave, are you going to relapse?”

The question was heavy in the air.

“No.” It was a lie. He was going to, he knew was going to. Maybe this time he would OD. Hopefully.

“Do you promise?”

“Yes. I promise.” He was always good at lying, even to a seasoned profiler.

“Ok, Spence, I’ll trust you. I’m going to go back to my house, I’ll come to get my things tomorrow, yeah? Around noon.”

He nodded numbly. 

The older man left. He walked out the door. Spencer knew he would come back the next day, he knew he needed to act fast. He pulled out a piece of paper, his favorite stationary. 

_Derek,_

_First, I love you. I will always love you. Second, this is not your fault. Third, I always knew this day would come. I knew it from the moment you kissed me for the first time._

_I bet on losing dogs, you see. I’ve always done that. I think I knew, deep down, Maeve and I would never work out. Lila and I were too different, to ever succeed at love._

_Love is a funny thing, is it not? It’s always been a funny thing. I don’t know if I agree with Alfred Lord Tennyson. “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I don’t know if that’s true, really. My heart aches for us, for who we were, for what we were._

_I wish you would call me your baby, just one last time. That was always my favorite pet name, did you know that? I’m sure you did, you always seemed to know things like that about me._

_I miss how close we were, I miss kissing you every morning before we went in to work, I miss you holding me when I cried and vice versa. I miss you. I miss us._

_I long for the days in which we woke up a little too early, before the sun was up even, and we would talk. We would whisper sweet nothings in each other's ears._

_Derek, my Derek, I hope you find love after me. I know it sounds idiotic to hope you could recover from finding your lover of three years lifeless on the floor, but maybe I’m just hoping you still care. Am I being selfish?_

_Lives change, almost like the weather. Do you know where I heard that? A Taylor Swift song, of all places. I never really liked her, but that lyric always made me think. My life has gone from a bone-cold winter, to a light fall with you. Maybe after me, your life will be a summer again. I know I was difficult, I know my episodes were hard._

_I will love you, forever and even after that._

_Yours Always,_

_Spencer Reid._

  
  


He folded the paper and slid it into an envelope, writing Derek’s name on the outside. 

He did what he always did when he shot up, before realizing he had thrown it all away months ago, after Derek had found him barely breathing on the bathroom floor. The sleeping pills would have to do. 

Derek usually closely monitored the pills, knowing Spencer’s history with drug abuse. But tonight, he had forgotten. Maybe he wanted Spencer dead. No, no that couldn’t be right. Derek loved him, he cared about him. Didn’t he?

He went into their room and dug into Derek’s old bedside table. He walked back into the living room, sat down and twisted open the bottle, grabbing the glass that was sat on his desk. 

He swallowed all of the pills in the bottle. It was almost completely full. He went into their- his bathroom and sat down, waiting.

It took an hour of agonizing pain for the world to go black. Spencer Walter Reid was dead.


	2. derek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> derek finds spencer. the aftermath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw aftermath of suicide

When Derek entered the apartment, he knew something was wrong. It was too quiet. He had his gun on him, he almost always did, and he slid his hand onto his holster. 

“Spence?”

Silence. Fear started to bubble up. 

“Spencer? Where are you?” The older man rushed in, pulling his gun out just in case. He slowly walked through the living room, stopping when he saw an envelope with his name on it.

He picked it up, opened it and started to read. 

He made it halfway through the first line before he dropped it to the floor, rushing to find his love.

It didn’t take long. The bathroom door was cracked open, and the light on. Spencer always hated the dark.

He opened the door. He knew what was on the other side before he saw it.

His lover, his world, his Spencer, against the wall, eyes open and dull. There was vomit and drool on his sweater. 

“No, no baby no.” He cried, rushing forwards. “My baby, my baby. No, God please.”

He sat in silence, arguing with himself. His love couldn't be dead. It couldn't be true. Not like this, not after years and years of happiness with each other.

The man called Hotch, his voice shaking.

“Hotchner.” 

“He’s gone, man, he’s gone and I- fuck, I don’t know what to do. It was all my fault I left last night, we weren’t working out and-”

“Derek, slow down.” He heard the man presumably gathering his keys and standing up. “Who’s gone? What’s going on?”

“Spencer, Spencer, my baby, he’s fucking gone. He told me he wouldn’t when I left last night! He told me he wouldn’t, God, I never should’ve left.”

“What do you mean ‘gone’? Is he missing?”

“He’s dead. He killed himself. I don’t know what to do, my baby’s gone, he’s dead!”

“Fuck. Derek, can you call 911? I can call the rest of the team, they’ll be there ASAP.”

So Derek called 911, he called 911 and waited, holding his love until they made him let go.

He found the letter he had dropped, and read it in full. It only proved to shatter him even more.

How could Spencer ever think he could find someone new? His love, his one true love, gone. Derek didn’t know why he had walked out last night, or why he thought it would be a good idea. He knew they were coming to the end of their relationship, but God it shouldn’t have ended like this.

The team came and went, escorting the man to his home. 

He just wanted his baby back.


End file.
